Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I don't know why I'm here. I've changed so much in the past few months, and I am not sure that too few would really recognize me. My thought processes have changed. My tolerance level for crap has decreased to where it's almost non-existent, but this is something I am working on changing. My looks have changed in such a dramatic way that those who know me casually do not recognize me right away. This is neat!

I chopped off my hair. It is now short, and it is no longer blonde. It is a dark reddish brown. I like it! My husband swears I now look like I am in my mid-twenties. Anything that wonderful is a good thing, especially at the age of 40 years old.

My husband just returned to work after having 10 days off for vacation. I miss him so. The week he was home was so peaceful and relaxing. Everything seemed right. Now that he's back at work, everything seems discombobulated. I now have to rearrange my way of thinking and get back into the groove of doing things alone.

We were busy every day he was home. We were busy gaining focus and relaxing. We spent a great deal of that time just lounging at the beach with the children. I have the wickedly evil tan to prove that. I was unfortunate enough to burn three times over his vacation. Ever get sunburn over sunburn? It's not pretty.

We're still attending services regularly. I've joined the women's club at church, as well. My husband has given his first sermon, and will be giving another one in two weeks. He is simply brilliant! His sermon had me enthralled, and I know the man like the back of my hand. This is what he was meant to do. I'm sure of that. He has the gift.

I've developed somewhat of a bond with our minister. He is one rocking dude! I really enjoy him and all he has to offer our church. When we first joined the congregation, he said to me, "Are you sure that you are joining this church because you love the people it in or because you love the minister?" It was a hard question to answer, actually. He wanted to be sure that we were staying for the right reasons, because quite honestly, the church committee members could have our pastor booted, if they chose to. He did not want us to "church hop".

We did join for the people and the atmosphere. It is an amazing place to spend your time. I will admit, and he knows this, that the pastor has a lot to do with our visits. He also has a lot to do with the volunteering that I do. He's inspired me. He and God have changed our lives. For the better.

He bestowed upon us a wonderful opportunity. We are so honored by his offer that it blew us away. He asked if we would like to go on a religious retreat. It isn't just a retreat. It is A Walk to Emmaus. I was flabbergasted that he had chosen us. We are quite thrilled about going, and I know, in my heart of hearts, that it will be an amazing experience. It will be one that will further alter our lives and make it richer and fuller.

Now onto the bad stuff:

My ex-husband is being a boob. He's been out of work for a year now, and refuses to get a job. He tried his hand at selling plants at a flea market, but that bombed to a degree. He refuses to obtain a job outside of what he was doing before the lay off. He wants to work at a garden center. He's a landscaper.

It upsets me that he choose not to work. It upsets me because the children are the sacrifice here. Yes, he makes his child support payments. He makes them weekly and without fail. Is it enough? No, it isn't. The judge at the hearing was flabbergasted at what he pays per week. He kept assuring me that I could bring him back anytime to up the support. But that is not my problem.

The problem is his lack of concern and help when it comes to health care issues with the children. My son broke his finger not long ago. This required a visit to the ER and follow ups with an Xray center, his pediatrician and a hand surgeon specialist. He has not offered to help with any costs that the insurance company does not cover.

Let me backtrack for a second, please. It was ordered by the court that he would provide health insurance for each of the children. He does not. He dropped his insurance claiming that he could not afford it. My husband had to put the children on his policy, which he didn't have a problem with. My husband also pays the extra premium payment. MY ex-husband has not offered to pick up the slack.

My two sons went to the dentist yesterday. Both needed their checkups, and as a result of them going, both need work. My littlest one needs a cavity filled. This is not a problem.

The other one needs a root canal, which he is going for this morning. He also needs to have a few cavities filled.

I sent a text message to my ex-husband telling him that he is going to have to help pay this bill. He TOLD me (yes, told me as if he has a right to tell me what to do) that I had to go to the dentist and tell him that I was too poor to pay his fees. I was to act like I was one step away from living in a cardboard box so that the dentist would lower his fees or maybe even do it for free.

IS HE CRAZY?!!?!?

I was angry. I was so darn angry over that. I would NEVER ever humiliate myself or the children that way. I would never lie to someone so that I could get a "deal" on something. I am not like that!

We argued for quite awhile over it. It resulted in me telling him to forget I even told him and that I, and my husband, would absorb the medical costs, as usual.

He then had the nerve to text our oldest daughter and ask her who the dentist was. Apparently, he wanted to call the dentist himself and embarrass the hell out of me and the children.

I am still angry over it. I'm trying not to be. I was told that the best thing to do is to not get angry, but to pray. Pray that he gains some common sense somewhere.

I was so mad that I was going to tell him to either pay up or sign over his parental rights.

PLEASE anyone that wants to comment on that situation, please do! I need some advice on how to handle all of that. It's just maddening to me that he cannot do what he is supposed to do. I do not want to be a vindictive, vengeful person. I'm not that kind of person. I do, however, need a solution to this problem. It's driving me insane.

I guess that's all for today. I suppose I needed to come here this morning, judging by all that I've written.

Maybe I should start coming here again. I need a release sometimes.