Twist and Shout

My mind hasn't been my best friend of late. It continually betrays me and my sense of self. It angers me that I have given complete and total control over to my mind. The mind is a terrible place to spend an eternity.

I've been spending a lot of time wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life, and how I should conduct myself. I question every move that I make and every thought that enters into my mind. I do not like living in this space of thought. I don't like it at all.

There are days when I feel like I am swimming in a sea of depression. I feel that there aren't many people that remember that I am a human being with feelings and ideas. Instead, I am thought of as a robot that should perform on command. This has grown rather tiring, but it seems the more I express that thought, the more it gets ignored.

We were driving home from visiting my husband's mother's grave on Easter. We made plans to hit up all of our family and plant flowers on their graves. Our oldest daughter decided she was starving and wanted to stop for some lunch. I did not mind this, because I was hungry as well.

My husband was driving and decided to pull into Wendy's. Our daughter chanted "Wendy's, Wendy's, Wendy's" for a half an hour. I suppose it became ingrained in his brain.

So what was the problem?

Our six year old hates Wendy's and I do too. My husband knows this fact. I always refuse to eat at Wendy's because I think their food is crap. But in he pulled anyway. They all went in and brought their food out to the car to eat it in front of us.

Again, it was an instance where I was not taken into consideration. It bothered me. But what bothered me even more was that he didn't offer to stop anywhere else so Tyler and I could eat.

Inconsiderate ass.

Yes, I could have asked him to stop somewhere else, but dammit, I wanted to be thought of !

So this is my space. This is where I am living right now, and I don't like it one bit.

It doesn't help that it seems like my whole world is crumbling around me, either.

We may need to shell out 30 grand to replace the septic. In the time between getting pre-qualified for a mortgage and trying to get it, we were turned down.

Our oldest daughter and her father have a car loan. She wanted to pay off her loan, and we asked her to wait until we got our mortgage and she got hers. The act of paying her loan off before then would make my husband's credit score drop. She didn't listen, paid off the loan and now we're fucked temporarily.

I fucking told him a long time ago to not co-sign that car loan for her. She didn't need a new car. But he did it anyway, and I told him it was going to fuck us in the end. It did.

She is his biological daughter. She's my step-daughter. She has this fucking insane need to remind me at every chance she can get about her mother. I KNOW my husband was married before. I KNOW that her mother and her father fucked and produced children. I DON'T need the name dropping, especially on fucking holidays!

I'm reaching the point where I am going to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Fuck this shit, I'm not dealing with it anymore."

Her father has told her time and time again to not mention her mother in my presence. But she does it anyways. The best is when she mentions her on my birthday!

I can't take that anymore.

I'm tired of being the one that keeps picking up the pieces and putting on a happy face. I don't own a happy face anymore, and I don't want a new one! I want someone else to put on that happy face so I can sulk, pout and cry.

I'm just starting to realize that life isn't as happy go lucky as I thought it was. Somewhere along the way, I lost my sense of humor and my zest for life.

I hate this serious crap.

I hate feeling down.

I hate his ex-wife.

I hate everything.

Bah!