No More Choices

There is this glorious program that someone can participate in. It is a spiritual retreat. It is an intensive four day study of the Bible. I have been invited to it... for the third time.

The last two times I did not go, because I didn't feel that I was ready to experience something of that intensity. I was so excited about it at first, but after thinking about it, I knew it wasn't the thing for me. Not yet.

My husband went to it. He attended the program for men. He came home different. I don't know how to explain it. He was just different. He was home for not more than five minutes and we argued. I told him that I didn't think that I was ready to go to it. He got very angry and screamed at me, "YOU ARE GOING!"

Needless to say, it did not paint a nice light on the retreat. I didn't want any part of it if it meant that I was going to come home like that. I didn't want to change. At all.

A year has passed and the opportunity is available for me again. My pastor desperately wants me to attend. He feels that I am ready to take that next step. He talks to me about it every chance he gets. He wants me to go because he will be there, even though it will be a retreat just for women. He will be one of the pastors available for members to speak to.

I was almost sure that I wanted to go this time. I told him that I am leaning toward going, but was still unsure. I thought he understood that. I swear that he did.

My daughter came into the house last week with the mail. There was an envelope with a return address that I did not know, but it was addressed to me. I opened it up and it was a confirmation of my admittance into this retreat program.

I never gave my okay. I never said that I had decided to go. I never fully made up my mind.

I am now committed to a program that I'm not sure of. I am committed to a program that I never gave my okay for. My choice has been taken away from me.

My pastor is on the committee for this retreat. He submitted my application without telling me.

I went to see him after receiving the letter. He said, "I hope that you will someday forgive me."

Now I am left with no choice. The choice is not mine anymore. It was taken from me, and I feel that if I were to go on the retreat without truly desiring it, I will not benefit from it. I will not capture the essence of what it is all about. I will walk away with nothing.

I feel like now I am left with two choices. I told my husband that I can either go and hope for the best, or I can find another church to go to because my pastor will not be happy with me.

He thinks so highly of me. He brags about me constantly and feels that I was brought to him and our church by God. In some ways, he acts as though he is in awe of me and I don't quite understand that.

He also feels that if I were to go on this retreat that I will be more willing to change the direction of the church. I don't know how that is possible. I already run all of the missions that I have brought to our church. I'm on the Board of Trustees. I don't know how much more I can do.

I don't want to disappoint him. I've done so twice already. I look up to him, and to be honest, we have a wonderful relationship. We're close.

There is nothing in the world that I would rather do than spend time with him outside of the church. It would provide us with a platform in which we could get to know one another better and better understand our goals.

But..

I don't think I'm ready for everything else. It is VERY structured. There is very limited free time, as most of the time is spent listening to sermon after sermon.

If it were a retreat where my time was mine to delve into my relationship with God at my own pace, I would not be hesitating. Not at all.

Intensive is what it is... what it will be..

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm stuck and left with no choice.

It was stolen from me.