I am 40 years old and I believe that I am going through a mid-life crisis. I've told my husband tonight and he seems to agree after listening to me purge my thoughts. I didn't tell him everything that was floating through my head. Some things are best kept hidden.
I love my husband with an undeniable amount of passion and love. I cannot fathom ever not having him a part of my life and my world. We are in sync with one another -- better than I have ever experienced. We won't even discuss our sex life. Let's just say it's beyond amazing. There are no boundaries with us nor are there any inhibitions.
With that said, I still feel like I am missing something. It isn't anything that I would ever pursue, mind you. I miss the excitement of a new relationship. I miss the feelings of innocent love. I miss the days of being thrilled to death that "he" wants to hold your hand. Oh and a kiss from him would send you into complete paralysis. I miss that.
I miss being young. I miss having a bombass body and a gorgeous face. I miss making men weak in the knees. I miss walking down the street and being the focus of attention by more men than I could shake a stick at!
I miss the bouncing from man to man, never finding one to settle down with, but enjoying the thrill of mindless dating. I miss being coy and being a flirt. I miss twirling my hair around my finger and letting my eyes sear through the eyes of another. I was damn good at that. It used make men squirm in their pants.
I miss that feeling of being carefree, wild and crazy. I miss not giving a shit what anyone thought of me. I miss going into the grocery store in my Tazmanian Devil slippers and my jammies, and not giving a crap.
I miss laughing at every darn thing that crossed my path. I miss doing silly things and breathing fresh life into someone's life, because my enthusiasm used to be contagious.
I miss being ME.
I don't even know who I am anymore. Kids and house stuff have been shoved down my throat on a constant basis lately. This is the first time in awhile that I've actually had time to myself. Time to myself lately has been zilch. I can't stand that.
I miss tottering on high heels and a short skirt while teasing my husband (when we were dating). I miss the moments of "oh god let's hurry up and devour each other before the kids catch on".
I miss a lot of things. Too many to actually mention here.
God, is this really what it's like to grow up??
If it is, I want my money back!
The Future is 2020 Hindsight
6 years ago
It's the first time I've stopped by your blog and I just have to comment. I can relate to your sense of nostalgia but isn't that sort of reminiscence only going to leave you with a hole that can't be filled? As mothers doesn't growing up mean leaving behind the silliness of our youth and living our new 'grown up' life for the benefit of the next generation?
ReplyDeleteDoesn't being a very happy wife and the mother of 2 boys who are no doubt full of promise, provide its own source of fulfillment? Would you really trade that in? I guess my thoughts turned out to be questions rather than comments. Thanks for making me think about I feel about your topic. Great post.
I love the wisdom that comes with this age (44) and I love that my sex life is better than when I was young (back then it was hit and miss) I love that I'm more beautiful now that my face has lost the fullness of youth.
ReplyDeleteI love that I have more control over my future.
You couldn't MAKE me go back!
Lets see I seem to remember in the dim past what that was like.
ReplyDeleteBe glad you still have it even if it is not the same as before. There are health conditions that can take it all away.
So enjoy what you have while you have it. Life is full of change and not all of it welcome.
Who the heck says you don't still have a bombass body and a gorgeous face......not to mention making men weak in the knees?
ReplyDeleteYou'll never get the full-bodied ripeness of youth back, but you might feel like you have, and that's all that matters. It's all in a feeling, and there have to be ways for you to feel more like this. Why don't you take your husband out for a date, or suggest that you both go out like the old days? This way, you will continue to keep both yourself, and the relationship fresh. It is possible, but you just need to find out how.
ReplyDeleteOh and I don't think it necessarily means you are going through a mid-life crisis to take stock of how things are in contrast to how they used to be. It's a very natural process to evaluate and reflect and draw upon our own experiences. Especially when a large part of our experience is shaped and governed by our past, and how far time has got. I think that in itself is healthy, but I guess it becomes damaging when the time spent thinking about it becomes disproportionate. You must be loved though, so hopefully your husband will listen to you more instead of diagnosing you like you have something wrong or there is something amiss.
ReplyDelete